Healer One

Healer One was one of the first two paintings I created after many years of not picking up a paintbrush.

I was new in recovery and had very little idea what I was doing. My life had been consumed by alcohol, unresolved trauma, and an abusive relationship that had left me with very little energy for myself. A traumatic event had become a rock bottom and forced me to take an honest look at my life. I knew something had to change, but I didn't yet know how to change it.

So one night, I painted.

I didn't have an image in mind or a plan for what the painting should become. I simply knew I needed to create something. I let the rhythm of the brush guide me and allowed the painting to unfold without trying to control the outcome.

This is what is known as a process painting.

Looking back, that process feels a lot like the beginning of my recovery.

I tried things. I went to therapy. I tried AA. I found The Phoenix. I tried anything I thought might help me stay sober. And I relapsed many times.

But I kept going.

At the time, I didn't know which tools would work for me or what was actually going to help me heal. I was trying to find my way through something I didn't yet understand. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and trying again.

That is what this painting represents to me now.

Sometimes the beginning of healing isn't about knowing exactly where you're going. It's about being willing to start, to keep experimenting, and to trust the process long enough to discover what works.

I didn't know it then, but this painting was teaching me something I would spend years learning in recovery:

You don't have to know the outcome to begin.