The Ariel Portal

I painted "The Ariel Portal" during a period of my life that was full of both excitement and chaos.

I was about a year and a half out of my divorce, and for the first time in a long time, I was feeling really good about myself. I had just bought my own home.

For someone who had spent much of her life struggling with self-esteem and a deep poverty wound, this felt almost impossible. I had never believed I would be able to own a home on my own. But I did it. And I didn't just buy it. I remodeled it myself. I installed laminate flooring, tiled, painted, and turned it into a home that was completely mine.

I was proud of myself. My self-esteem was at an all-time high, and I decided I was finally ready to start dating again.

Dating didn't turn out to be nearly as smooth or fun as I had imagined.

I kept finding myself in relationships that began with incredible intensity and then fizzled out just as quickly as they had started. Each one was painful in its own way. At the same time, I was struggling to deal with increasing chaos at work, and I wasn't able to form the close friendships I wanted either.

I had believed that once I got out of the abusive relationship and got back on my own two feet, everything would finally get better. I thought that having my own home, my own life, and my own independence would mean I had finally earned the love, respect, and stability I had been looking for.

Instead, life still felt just as chaotic as before.

It wasn't until a particularly tumultuous relationship with a geologist named Ariel that I finally began to understand why.

I finally realized that all the turbulence and chaos in my life wasn't just happening to me.

It was happening because of me.

That realization wasn't about blaming myself for the things that had happened to me. The abuse wasn't my fault. The circumstances I had survived weren't my fault.

But I was beginning to see that I was still participating in patterns that were creating and perpetuating chaos in my life.

It was happening because of my codependency in relationships. Because I hadn't yet developed an awareness of the deep relational wounds I was still carrying. Because I was still too afraid to stand up for myself and insist that my needs be accommodated, even at work, because I was terrified of losing my job. Because I had escaped one unhealthy environment without yet understanding all of the wounds I was carrying with me.

Getting out of an abusive relationship had given me freedom. Buying my own home had given me independence. But neither one had magically healed the wounds I had carried with me.

I had thought that once my circumstances changed, I would finally feel safe, loved, respected, and whole.

Instead, I realized I had to do the deeper work.

So I worked on those wounds.

"The Ariel Portal" represents that turning point: the moment I stopped looking only at what was happening around me and began looking honestly at what was happening within me. It was the beginning of understanding that changing my life wasn't just about changing my circumstances. It was about changing the patterns I brought with me.